Voldemort's Birthday Party
by Dragon MoonX
Summary: Today is Voldemort's birthday, and unbeknownst to him his Death Eaters have thrown him a surprise party. Chaos and hilarity ensues as Voldemort participates in games such Pin The Scar On Harry Potter and prank calling the Ministry of Magic.
1. Finding Nagini

**Voldemort's Birthday Party**

Disclaimer: All Harry Potter names, characters and locations belong to J.K. Rowling. I own nothing that you recognize.

A/N: This story was originally published in 2011 by Redandblack24601. The story was taken down after a year or two on the site. I have spoken with the author and have been given permission to republish their story.

* * *

Voldemort's pink alarm clock woke him up at seven in the morning. He didn't want to get up at this time, but being a dark lord was a very tiring job. He changed out of his unicorn pajamas that Snape made him wear every night, and into the only thing he ever wore... a black robe. All his Death Eaters told him it needed to be washed, but it had only been a year since he last cleaned it, and he was trying to conserve water.

He poured Dr. Evil's Dark Mark Cornflakes - the only cereal he ever ate - into a bowl and began to eat them. The slogan on the front of the box said, "You're not a real Dark Lord without Dr. Evil's Dark Mark Cornflakes", and Voldemort felt evilness surging through his veins.

Then, he decided it was time to go to work. He checked his calendar and realized that he hadn't tried to kill Harry Potter for almost a year. It was time to start planning. When he looked again, he noticed that today was his birthday. He was going to be...actually, he couldn't remember. Next, he realized that his pet snake Nagini was missing. That was odd. She was usually in his office, ready to give him moral support as he struggled through his numerous duties as supreme Dark Lord.

Voldemort was devastated as he thought of the many horrific things that could be happening to his favorite snake. He decided to call his most loyal Death Eater, Severus Snape, to help him find Nagini. But Snape wasn't picking up his cellphone.

"Hello, this is Severus Snape. If you are Voldemort, please leave a message. If you are a Gryffindor, I am deducting two-hundred points. If you are a Slytherin, I am awarding two-hundred points because you have been clever enough to find my phone number. If you are selling hair care products, please leave a bottle of your finest shampoo outside my office. If you are a Death Eater, the Dark Lord loves me more so in your face. If you are Dumbledore, I am most definitely on your side. But if you are Voldemort, I am on your side too."

_*beep*_

Voldemort hung up without leaving a message.

"Fine," he pouted. "I'll look for Nagini myself."

First he searched his bedroom. He checked under the bed, and found lots of snake poo but no snake. He checked the wardrobe, and again found lots of snake poo but no snake. He gave up looking in his bedroom when all he seemed to find were snake feces. He didn't know he had fed Nagini that much, and decided to clean his room later. He decided to check his library.

"Not here...not here...not here," he muttered to himself as he chucked volumes from their shelves. As he tossed books, he wondered why he even had Rainbow Magic, Twilight and My Bible Stories. Then, he recalled how he spent many hours as a young Dark Lord curled up on a beanbag chair, totally immersed in the adventures of Kirsty and Rachel and their battle against the evil Jack Frost who, consequently, was Voldemort's hero.

After rereading the entire Rainbow Magic series, Voldemort concluded that Nagini was not in the library. He made his way up to the dining room to grab a snack out of his fridge. They only thing left in the fridge was a jar of marmite and a moldy Brussels sprout. So he covered the Brussels sprout with marmite and popped it in his mouth. He had just discovered his favorite food.

After another few hours of searching, he concluded that Nagini was not in the house. He went back to the library and found the Yellow Pages. He decided to call his friends to ask if they had seen Nagini. It took him about fifteen minutes to realize he didn't have any. Then, he decided to call his enemies. So, he called Harry Potter.


	2. Hell's Kitchen

"Hello, the Chosen One speaking," came the voice on the other end.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I must have the wrong number. I was looking for Harry Potter."

"I am Harry Potter, you fool! Who are you anyway?"

"I am You-Know-Who," Voldemort stated.

"I'm sorry, I don't know who. If this is a prank call please hang up."

Voldemort sighed in frustration and hung up the phone. He decided to go to his tv room and watch his favorite movie Twilight, which always cheered him up. As usual, he skipped right to the end and watched the sadistic vampire hurting the mopey teen. All of a sudden he heard loud music and voices coming from the lounge. He rushed to the door in a frenzy, only to see a notice pinned up. It said: "This room is closed for renovation. Please come back at a later date."

Voldemort was very disappointed and didn't even pause to think that he hadn't ordered any renovations to be done to his house. He skulked to his bedroom, buried his face in his pillow and sulked.

****Lucius Malfoy's POV****

Lucius Malfoy stood in the second kitchen of Voldemort's house, a wooden spoon in hand, a cookbook in the other. Voldemort's prime Death Eaters were lined up before him, each holding some sort of kitchen implement. Draco, his son, was sitting demurely at a table in the middle of the room, putting the finishing touches on his stage makeup. Recently, Lucius had watched on the Muggle box a show called Hell's Kitchen. He decided that this would be the best tactic for organizing a cake for Voldemort.

"Right," Lucius said, slapping the wooden spoon against the cookbook. "How many of you have cooked before?" Not a single hand was raised. Malfoy pursed his lips. This was going to be tougher than he thought. It was time to start applying what he called "the Gordon Ramsay treatment".

"Right you lot of useless &$!#&!" he screamed, tossing the wooden spoon the length of the table. "It's time to get your lazy butts in the kitchen. &%*#! #*&!" He threw in a few extra swears for good measure. The Death Eaters all scrambled to a space on the counter.

"Now I want all of you lazy #*#& to bake a cake for the Dark Lord. If you don't have it #*#& done in two hours, you're ##* out of here!"

"Um..." said Bellatrix. "None of us actually know how to bake a cake."

"Well !&# figure it out!" Lucius hollered.

The Death Eaters raised their hands in surrender and scrabbled under the counter for some ingredients. Bellatrix pulled out a bottle of chili sauce, a stick of butter, a can of baked beans and a tin of tuna. She accidentally exploded the tuna and beans while trying to open them.

Crabbe fared no better. He had produced a moldy meat patty from the fridge, a can of condensed milk, a tomato and some raspberry jam. He, however, managed to get all the jars and tins open with them still relatively intact.

Goyle was puzzling over the spatula and was experimentally whacking it against a roll of tinfoil.

Yaxley was musing in his unintelligible accent while fingering packet of raisins.

Rookwood was covering his hand in flour and slapping it against Mulciber's back.

Dolohov was experimenting with the oven. He soon found that cans of spaghetti and extreme heat did not go together. Malfoy groaned.

Two hours passed slowly, each minute seemed like a year. Finally though, Lucius called the Death Eaters to attention.

"Right!" he snarled. "Show me what you've made you bloody #*&!"

Each Death Eater proudly produced different variations of what looked like garbage mixed with puke mixed with poo. Nevertheless, Lucius decided a taste test was in order. He sat down at the table. He and his son were the official judges.

Goyle shoved his concoction under Lucius' nose. It had almost the exact color and consistency of boogers. Tentatively, Draco dipped his finger in and tasted it. He promptly vomited into a nearby bucket.

"Go clean it # &!# up!" Lucius roared. Goyle meekly hurried off to do as he was told.

Bellatrix's mixture actually looked edible. Long story short, it wasn't.

Crabbe's had turned solid, and was now the exact color of a brick, but slightly hairier.

Dolohov's might have been edible at some point, but was burnt to a crisp. It closely resembled a log after a bonfire. Several disastrous taste tests later, Lucius Malfoy decided to give up.

"Bob's Bakery?" he said, picking up his cellphone. "I'd like to order a cake."

****Snape's POV****

Snape's face turned a rather unpleasant shade of red as he blew up a garish pink balloon. Scabior was idly toying with a deflated balloon and saying "'Ello beautiful" at random intervals. Snape tied the end of the balloon with a flourish, released it and turned to Scabior.

"Have you been successful with blowing up the balloons?" Snape asked, raising an eyebrow. Scabior slowly tilted his face upwards.

"No, beautiful," he drawled. Snape lost it.

"For the last time," he screamed in a strangled whisper. "Stop calling me beautiful! See this hair? It hasn't been washed since I was three! See this nose? I use it to catch fish! Do you still think this face is beautiful?"

"No, beautiful," said Scabior.

Face twitching, Snape sat down and recommenced blowing up balloons.

****Voldemort's POV****

Voldemort lay on his bed crying. Why, oh why, was the world so unfair? Was it true? Did everybody hate him? He thought it was only a nasty rumor. That must be why Nagini had gone missing. She must have run away because she hated him so much. Voldemort screamed into his pillow.

"NYYAHHH!" he hollered.

Then, because he was feeling rebellious, he decided to enter the lounge, where there was construction going on. He made his way downstairs and thought he heard hushed mutterings of "Shh...he's coming!" Sneakily, he tore the sign from the door and pushed it open.

"Surprise! Happy birthday, Voldemort!" came a chorus of voices from inside.


	3. Party Games

"Oh my God guys! You are so thoughtful!" Voldemort gushed. Then, he saw a mountainous stack of wrapped boxes by the table.

"Are those for me?" he asked. "Oh, thank you, guys!"

"Open mine first!" said Bellatrix eagerly. Keenly, Voldemort ripped into the most brightly colored box. Inside was a ruby necklace with the words "You are mine" engraved on the front.

"I thought it would bring out your eyes," said Bellatrix sounding lovesick. Voldemort glanced awkwardly at the necklace and slowly pushed it aside.

Goyle had got him a hammer. It looked dangerous, so Voldemort didn't immediately cast it aside.

"What's this, Goyle?" he asked.

"Ugghhdunno," Goyle drooled with unfocused eyes. Voldemort experimentally bashed Goyle over the head with it. Goyle slumped to the ground, unconscious. Voldemort smiled. This was a great present.

Lucius gave Voldemort a $1000 gift voucher for Glassons. Voldemort tentatively pushed it aside. Voldemort eagerly tore open a square package from Snape. Inside was a rather large bottle of Snapepoo shampoo and conditioner. On the front was a picture of Snape with long, flowing hair and a speech bubble coming from his mouth saying, "Use Snapepoo and you too can look like me!"

Snape hastily snatched the bottle back.

"I am sorry, Master," Snape said, thoroughly embarrassed by his mistake. "I must have given you the wrong box. That is mine. Here is yours." He passed Voldemort a small and sorry looking package, which turned out to be a can opener. Voldemort sort of wished he could have had the Snapepoo.

From Scabior, Voldemort received a bag of makeup with the brand name Hello Beautiful. Just then Nagini slithered in.

"Nagini!" Voldemort screamed, and rushed over to embrace the giant snake, kissing her fondly on the top of her scaly head. Nagini twined herself around him and whispered in his ear, "Happy birthday, Voldie." Voldemort smiled.

Snape stood up and yelled to the roof, "Let's get this party started!" Suddenly, Girlfriend by Avril Lavinge came on.

"All right. Who chose that song?" Voldemort asked.

"I did," Bellatrix admittedly sheepishly. Voldemort's hand twitched.

"Change the song!" he roared. Almost instantaneously, Monster Mash came on. Lucius brought in a round of drinks.

Pretty soon Voldemort had his arm around Scabior's shoulders and was saying, "And 'ello beautiful to you too!" Snape brought out an enormous sheet of paper with Harry Potter's image on it. Voldemort loved party games, especially when they involved Harry Potter.

"Roll up! Roll up! Play Pin the Scar on Harry Potter!" called Snape.

Voldemort rushed up eagerly, snatched the long black blindfold from Snape's fingers, and tied it around his eyes. Voldemort spun around in ten eager circles before moving forward, scar outstretched. He found the piece of paper that was pinned to the wall, and fixed the scar to it. Eagerly, he pulled off the blindfold and saw with a twinge of embarrassment that the scar was fixed...in a place Voldemort would rather not think about.

Hastily, he unpinned the scar and stuck it to Harry's forehead. The Death Eaters cheered. They had learned from experience never to question Voldemort. Rowle still had a tentacle protruding from his bellybutton.

Bellatrix snatched all the drinks off a platter that was being passed around and drank them all.

"Hey Voldemort!" she called tipsily. "Did you know that your mama's so fat that she fell into the Grand Canyon and got stuck?" Voldemort whirled around, looking very offended.

"I'll have you know that my mother was very thin," he protested. "She was starving to death when she had me, and if she fell into the Grand Canyon, she not definitely would not get stuck."

"Jeez Voldemort," Bellatrix slurred. "Play along."

"Oh. Okay then. Well..." he paused for a moment. "Your mama's so fat, the sorting hat put her in all four houses!" All the Death Eaters laughed.

"Your mama's so fat, she makes Hagrid look like Mini-me!" Bellatrix guffawed.

"Your mama's so fat, her patronus is a big mac with cheese!" Voldemort shot back.

"Your mama's so fat, she looked into the Mirror of Erised and saw a ham!"

"Your mama's so fat, she saw a boggart and it morphed into a treadmill!"

"Your mama's so fat, she joined the Death Eaters cos she was hungry!"

"Your mama's so fat, if you curse her with Sectumsempra she bleeds butterbeer!"

"Your mama's so fat, when she goes looking for the Room of Requirement, it turns into McDonald's!"

"Your mama's so fat, Ollivander gave her a pizza core wand!"

"Your mama's so fat, she sat on a broomstick and snapped it in half," Wormtail piped up from the corner. Voldemort whipped around.

"Jeez, thanks for ruining the moment, Wormtail!" he said. Wormtail sulked. Before Voldemort could Avada Kedavra Peter Pettigrew's butt like he was planning to, Macnair ran in, holding aloft an ultrathin pink cellphone.

"Hey guys, hey guys," he yelled. "Let's do some prank calls!"

"Ooh, that sounds like fun!" squealed Volume, jumping up and down and clapping his hands like a little school girl. "Who shall we call first?"

"How about the Ministry of Magic, my Lord?" Snape drawled. Voldemort quickly punched in seven different digits.

"Welcome to the Ministry of Magic," came an automated voice. "If you want Cornelius Fudge, please press one. For Dolores Umbridge, please press two. For Percy Weasley, please press three. If you want Kingsley Shaklebolt, please press four. If you want the Auror office, please press five. If you want the Improper Use of Magic office, please press six. If you want the Department of Mysteries, please press one and a half. If you want..."

"Alright, alright!" cried Voldemort and pressed two.

"Hem hem," came a high pitched breathy voice from the other end.

"Hello, is your refrigerator running?" Voldemort asked, trying to suppress a giggle.

"I don't have a refrigerator," Dolores said, sounding rather confused.

"Well, you'd better go catch it!" Voldemort laughed.

"I just said I don't have a refrigerator," Umbridge insisted irately.

"Oh," Voldemort said slowly. "That's quite awkward. I'm going to hang up now..." he said as he hung up the phone. The room was so quiet you could hear crickets chirping.

"Let's call Dumbledore," said Wormtail. The room, if possible, went even quieter. Even the crickets stopped chirping. Nobody, in the history of the universe, had ever heard Wormtail say something intelligent. Ever. When they all recovered from their intense shock, Voldemort dialed Dumbledore's number.

"Hello, Albus Dumbledore speaking."

Voldemort cleared his throat and put on his best Snape voice. "Hello, this is Severus Snape," he said. Snape frantically shook his head no, but there was nothing he could do.

"Oh, Snape!" came Dumbledore's quivery voice. "I was wondering when you'd call. I was so lonely this morning. Oh, and you still have my rubber chicken wand. Severus, was it magical or what last night..."

Voldemort felt like his stomach wanted to empty its contents, and he quickly hung up the phone. All eyes in the room were on Snape. He hastily tried to cover up his mistake.

"You were the one who told me to earn Dumbledore's trust," he said.

"Not in that way, Severus. Not in that way." Voldemort decided that they'd had enough prank calls for one night.


	4. Pickup Lines, Nicknames and Karaoke

****Scabior's POV****

Meanwhile, Scabior had his eye on a relatively new Death Eater who went by the name of Malvina. Scabior thought that Malvina was the hottest Death Eater he had ever seen. He longed to go talk to her, but he was rather socially retarded and wasn't sure how to approach her.

"Greyback," said Scabior, turning to his part-wolf friend who was eyeing a couple of the other Snatchers.

"Grr," said Greyback, by way of response.

"I was wondering, do you know how I could get acquainted with that chick Malvina over there?"

"Oh sure," Greyback growled. "I'm really good with the ladies." He turned and coughed a word into his clenched fist. It sounded like "wolves", but Scabior wasn't sure. He decided to let it pass.

Over the next few minutes, Scabior had heard from Greyback a whole list of magical pickup lines. Clearing his throat and smoothing back his ginger streak, he ambled over to where Malvina was standing.

"Are you using the Confundus Charm, or are you naturally mind blowing?" he asked, leaning against the wall.

"Excuse me?" she asked, raising an eyebrow. Scabior tried another one.

"Your smile is like Expelliarmus, simple but disarming."

"I wasn't aware that I had smiled at you, you creepy, creepy man."

"If I was to look into the Mirror of Erised, I would see the two of us together," Scabior said, trying and failing to smile.

"I'm...going to go now," Malvina said, edging away.

"No! Wait!" he racked his brains for another pickup line. "I don't need the Mirror of Erised to know that you're everything I desire!"

"Help! Somebody!" Malvina shouted. Scabior saw that his plan was failing rapidly. It was time to personalize his pickup lines.

"'Ello beautiful!" he called out, a last desperate attempt. Malvina stopped trying to scream for help and turned back to Scabior.

"You think I'm beautiful?" she asked, eyes widening. "Why didn't you say so?" She rushed into Scabior's arms.

"Yeah, bro," Scabior said to himself. And from then on "'Ello beautiful" became his prime pickup line.

****Voldemort's POV****

By this time Voldemort was totally wasted. No, not just wasted. He was toasted, cabbaged, mashed, plastered, pickled, tanked, zombied and utterly snobbled. He had decided that all of his Death Eaters needed nicknames. He decided to start with Greyback. Voldemort had recently seen Justin Timberlake's Sexyback music video.

"Greyback, I'm gonna call you Sexyback," he slurred with a giggle. "And you Macnair are MacCareBear. Gibbon, you're Ape. Crabbe, you're Hermit Crab. Rodolphus, you're Stranger Danger. Lucius, you're Snakaholic. Travers, you're Travers the Tractor. Yaxley, you're Yakitty Yakitty Yak. Snape, you're Prune. And Bellatrix..."

"Yes?" Bellatrix breathed, unable to wait for her nickname from her true love.

"You're Bella Swan. I'm a big fan of Twilight."

Bellatrix stormed out of the room muttering, "Voldemort's nipple, Voldemort's nipple, Voldemort's nipple."

"I love you guys!" Voldemort yelled drunkenly, pulling Yaxley and Travers into a man hug.

"Karaoke time!" Snape screamed into a microphone.

"Ooh, me first! Me first!" Goyle cheered. He had just woken up with a lump the size of a quaffle on his head. Snape set his SingStar on shuffle and The Lazy Song by Bruno Mars started playing. Goyle tried to sing, but his version of the song went a little like this.

_"Ugggh uggh ughh ughh duh uggh_  
_Uhh ugg duh uggh who uh ma ugg."_

Snape cut him short with a round of applause.

"Well done, Goyle," said Snape sarcastically. Next up was Lucius.

_"Some people say I'm bonkers, but I just say I'm free!_  
_Man, I'm just living my life, there's nothing crazy about me!"_

There was an okay round of applause for that.

"Well done, Snakaholic!" Voldemort yelled. Next up was Draco.

_"Oh! Do you know what you got into?_  
_Can you handle what I'm 'bout to do?_  
_'Cause it's about to get rough for you._  
_I'm here for your entertainment!"_

Narcissa whooped and cheered, "Well done, Draco Diddydums!"

"Thank you, mummy, but can you please not call me Draco Diddydums?"

"I'm dedicating this song to you, Voldemort," said Bellatrix.

_"If you could see that I'm the one who understands you,_  
_Been here all along so why can't you see?_  
_You belong with me._  
_You belong with me."_

"Make way for Greyback!" Greyback said, pushing Bellatrix aside.

_"I eat boys up, breakfast and lunch._  
_Then when I'm thirsty I drink their blood._  
_Carnivore animal, I am a cannibal._  
_I eat boys up. You'd better run."_

Greyback bared his teeth and all the men in the room screamed like girls.

"Should've sung Sexyback," Voldemort muttered. Scabior was next.

"I'm singing this for you, beautiful," Scabior said, staring at Malvina. Hello Beautiful by the Jonas Brothers came on.

_"'Ello beautiful._  
_How's it going?_  
_I hear it's wonderful in California."_

He was booed offstage.

"That was horrible!" Malvina chided, slapping Scabior across the face. "We're through." Then Voldemort got onto the stage.

_"My Little Pony, My Little Pony_  
_Isn't the world a wonderful place_  
_My Little Pony, My Little Pony_  
_Everywhere you go, a smiling face_  
_Running and skipping, merrily tripping_  
_Watching the morning unfold_  
_My Little Pony, My Little Pony_  
_What does the future hold?"_

"Who the bloody hell chose that song?" Voldemort asked, bashing the microphone down on Goyle's head. With an "uggh" he crumpled to the floor, the quaffle-sized lump doubling in size.

"Trampoline time!" Voldemort screamed, and ran outside.


	5. Surprise Guests and Shocking Revelations

Voldemort, followed apprehensively by a few of his braver Death Eaters, ran out into his backyard, where a trampoline stood. It was the kind that had a net around the edge to stop users from falling off.

Voldemort unzipped the door of the trampoline and climbed inside. He started to jump up and down. All the Death Eaters pretended to cheer. Voldemort, spurred on by their encouragement, decided to do a flip. All the Death Eaters screamed and covered their eyes. Voldemort continued jumping for a while, then walked back to the house, placidly humming, "I'm not wearing underwear today."

Next, Voldemort's cake was brought in. It was a huge, pink cardboard one, decorated with ribbons and flowers. The lights dimmed and Indian-style music came on. The top of the cake slowly opened, and Voldemort clapped excitedly.

Scabior emerged, dressed in an orange and pink sari with a bindi on his forehead and a veil covering his face. He was holding a smaller cake in the shape of a Dark Mark. Scabior had waxed his legs for the occasion.

Scabior danced gracefully out of the cake and twirled around down to Voldemort. He danced fairy-like around Voldemort, scattering pink glitter. Unfortunately, he was totally spannered, so most of the glitter ended up in Voldemort's mouth and eyes, and he tripped repeatedly. Eventually, he managed to put the cake on the table. Everybody started to sing.

_"Happy birthday to you,_

_Happy birthday to you,_

_Happy birthday, dear Dark Lord,_

_Happy birthday to you!"_

"Now make a wish," Bellatrix said. Voldemort closed his eyes and made a wish.

"I wish for a nose."

Voldemort picked up the knife to cut the cake. He sluggishly tried to cut a square. It came out in the shape of a very munted love heart. On the next try he almost cut off Macnair's hand.

"Sorry, MacCareBear," Voldemort slurred.

Just as they were about to start eating cake, there was a knock at the door. Voldemort went to answer it. Outside stood a random black kid. Voldemort was a little wasted at this point, so he said, "If you haven't brought me Harry Potter, you'd better not be here."

The random black kid replied solemnly, "It's like trying to catch smoke... Like trying to catch smoke with your bare hands."

"Um...?" Voldemort said, feeling confused.

"Not the grin, you idiot. The Grim. Taking the form of a giant spectral dog, it's among the darkest omens in our world. It's an omen... of death."

Voldemort slammed the door in Random Black Kid's face. There was another knock on the door. Voldemort opened it, prepared to scream at Random Black Kid to go away, but instead he saw a man standing there. This man had long black hair and his fingers were interlaced in a creepy way.

"Hello," he whispered.

"Scabior!" Voldemort screamed into the house. "Is this guy related to you?" Scabior staggered to the door. His face fell.

"Oh. 'Ello, brother," he said.

"Who is he?" Voldemort asked.

"He's my brother, Aro. Y'know how I took up snatching at age twenty-two? Well, Aro took up pedophiling. Is that a word, pedophiling? Yeah, well now he lives with lots of children in a big house and they don't come out much."

"I was coming to visit you, dear brother," Aro said softly. "Are there any children at this party?" Draco, who happened to be passing by, froze.

"Hello, little boy," Aro said gently. "Would you like to come here and say hello to Uncle Aro?"

"I happen to be of age," Draco said, trying to maintain his dignity.

"That's all the better," Aro said, grinning. Draco screamed, "Mummy!" and ran away. Voldemort slammed the door in Aro's face, leaving an Aro-shaped indentation in the door.

"You can see why I don't have much to do with him," Scabior said, stumbling back towards the party.

Next up was truth or dare. Voldemort went first. He picked Scabior and Scabior picked truth.

"Scabior," Voldemort said. "What is your first name and where did you come from?"

"Well," Scabior said, looking embarrassed. "My first name is...well, it's Nick. I try not to disclose that fact to many people. And...um... I was made in a lab. Scabior stands for 'specimen containing acidic boron in orange resin.'"

"And so... if Aro is your brother...?" Voldemort asked.

"He was made in a lab too. Aro stands for 'abnormally random opinions' cause he came out with weird stuff when they were making him." Scabior asked Lucius, who also picked truth.

"What happened to your bow?" Scabior asked.

"Oh, that bow," Lucius replied. "Nothing. It's still in my jewelry box at home."

"So why don't you wear it?"

"Because it clashes with my beautifully luscious hair." He flicked it around and the girls, and some of the boys, watched in awe as it swept almost in slow motion around his face. Next, Lucius asked Bellatrix. She picked dare.

"Alright, Bella. Go kiss Scabior on the lips."

"No way!" she protested, drawing her wand, which wobbled slightly in her hands.

"Aw, c'mon, love. Just one kiss," Scabior said, grinning broadly. Bellatrix turned her wand on him.

"You can't back out of a dare, Bellatrix," Voldemort insisted. Bellatrix scowled.

"Fine," she grumbled. "But only because you asked me to." Wrinkling her nose, Bellatrix moved closer to Scabior. At the last second she pulled away. "God no! I just can't do it. He's repulsive!"

"Hey! I'm offended by thaaa..." Scabior trailed off and slumped to the floor unconscious. Lucius clapped his hands.

"Oh goody, we get to do a consequence!" he cheered. All the Death Eaters laughed. Lucius ran out of the room. A few minutes later, he came back with a glass of purple liquid that was foaming copiously.

"Drink," he said, grinning.

"What's in it?" she asked suspiciously.

"I'll tell you when you drink it. You have to, you know. It's a consequence." Pinching her nose, Bellatrix downed the glass then retched.

"Okay, I used rotten eggs, a banana, a lock of Scabior's hair, a jar of vegemite and some boysenberry ice cream. I mixed them all up in a blender and sprinkled on some dried basil."

Bellatrix screeched in horror and threw the glass across the room. It hit the opposite wall and shattered. Bellatrix asked Snape next. Snape picked truth.

"Tell us about Snapepoo," she said, referring to the bottle that Snape had accidentally given Voldemort for a present. Snape sighed, considered not telling them, remembered the purple drink and started to talk.

"I was broke, okay! Teacher's salaries suck and I couldn't afford to pay the rent on my house. So, the company that makes Snapepoo was holding an audition near my house to find somebody to model their product. I thought it would be easy money so I went for the audition. Turns out I was perfect and they named their brand after me. They send me ten free bottles every month to keep my hair 'Snapepoo sparkling.'" The Death Eaters jeered and Snape glowered.

"Right, my turn," he said sharply, but Voldemort shook his head.

"No more truth or dare tonight, Prune," he said. "If I hear one more 'made in a lab' or 'Snapepoo' story, I'm gonna puke. Seriously, don't you guys have lives?" There was shamefaced muttering among the Death Eaters. "Come on! Let's do something awesome!"


	6. Some More Highly Amusing Stuff Happens

Voldemort left the room and returned with a humongous Harry Potter head in a wagon.

"It's just something I had lying around," he said.

Using a levitating charm he strung it from the ceiling, which just about collapsed under the weight. Each Death Eater grabbed something long and hard. Macnair grabbed a baseball bat. Bellatrix grabbed a poker. Mulciber grabbed a tv remote and Greyback grabbed Scabior.

The Death Eaters wildly and tipsily swung at the giant head, which Voldemort had charmed to scream "ow!" and make pained facial expressions. Finally, Greyback got so annoyed that no progress was being made that he screamed, "Reducto!" and the head exploded. From the thick smoke emerged none other than Harry Potter.

"Could you guys have done that earlier?" he whined. "I'm starving. I had to eat my shoes. Leather does not taste nice! Oh, and happy birthday, Voldemort. I came as a surprise to my favorite Dark Lord. And I got you a present." He held out a large envelope. Voldemort broke the seal and lifted the flap.

"Avada Kedavra!" came Harry Potter's voice from within, accompanied by a flash of green light.

"Holy mackerel!" Voldemort screamed, and threw the envelope across the room.

Next minute, Harry was flying towards the distant ocean and Voldemort was dusting off his hands in disgust.

"Well, that was just plain rude," said Voldemort irately. "And here I was thinking his visit would be the cherry on top of my perfect birthday. Oh well." He returned to the party, where nearly the entire group of Death Eaters were shuffling in the middle of the living room to Party Rock Anthem. All except for one. Lucius Malfoy was sitting on a chair a little ways away, demurely watching the group.

"Hey, Snakaholic!" Voldemort slurred, slumping down in the chair beside him. "I've noticed you haven't been drinking much. Why not? Alcohol is awesome!"

"I'm trying to set a good example for my son," said Lucius. "Where is the little whippersnapper anyway?" They scanned the room, and finally caught sight of Draco. He was slumped in the corner with a keg of alcohol by his side, chugging it ceaselessly. Beer stained the front of his shirt.

"Oh screw it!" said Lucius, and drank the nearest bottle of beer.

A couple hours later there was a knock on the door.

"This had better not be your brother again, Scabior!" Voldemort yelled. He opened the door. Three men in yellow vests stood there with their arms crossed.

"Is this your party?" one of the men asked.

"Oh yeah, it's a beaut party, isn't it?" said Voldemort, deciding to resort to New Zealand slang. "But I'm getting a bit bushed, bro. Got lots of cool pressies though."

"Some of the neighbors have been complaining about the noise," said one of the men.

"But the nearest neighbors are miles away!" Voldemort insisted.

"Exactly," said the noise control officer, nodding. "By the way, is that boy underage?" Voldemort looked around. Draco had staggered into the room, a bottle of beer in his hand.

"Whatcha talking about? I'm fourteen. What's the problem?" said Draco, falling into a wall.

"Don't worry," said Voldemort, as the officers gave him questioning looks. "He's being supervised by his father. A very responsible man." Lucius tottered in afterwards, a huge bottle of vodka tucked under his arm.

"That's ma boi!" Lucius was so drunk he was talking in spelling mistakes. The officers raised their eyebrows and then had to duck as an unconscious Crabbe flew through the air over their heads.

"Sorry mate, but I'm gonna have to take your stereo system," the officer said, trying to move past Voldemort, who was blocking the entrance.

"I'm warning you, sir. We have guns," said the burliest officer, moving his hand to his hip.

"Oh yeah?" Voldemort retorted, reaching into his robes. "Well, I've got this!" He pulled out his wand and directed it at them.

"A stick?" the officer said, raising an eyebrow. "I'm sorry, sir, but don't you think you've had a bit too much to drink? You don't look well. Your skin is pale and you have no nose." Voldemort felt like a knife had been ripped through his heart. He felt tears well up in his eyes.

"What does the world have against my nose? Of course I wish I had a normal nose, but this is my lifestyle choice. Don't make fun of me for it!" He broke down in tears.

Taking advantage of his distraction, the officers slipped past Voldemort into the house and scanned the room for the stereo. Unfortunately for them, Bellatrix spotted them.

"Hey look! Filthy Muggles!" she screeched, pointing.

"What did you call us?" they asked, glaring at her.

"Expecto Patronum!" she screamed, pointing a carrot at them. One of the officers was German.

"Danke," he said, nodding and smiling. The officers were quickly set upon by the Death Eaters, tied up and left in the courtyard for Bellatrix to deal with later, when she was sober. Voldemort, feeling rather sleepy, decided that he should end the party.

"Alright guys, those of you who would like to go home can go now. But remember, if you've had more than fifty liters of alcohol, please call a friend to take you home. Never drink and Apparate." A few of the Death Eaters said farewell. There was a knock on the door. Outside were about fifteen Snatchers, all crowding to the door.

"We're here for Scabior," said the nearest one, an Irishman.

"All of you?" Voldemort asked.

"Well, we missed 'im, see," said the Snatcher, peering round Voldemort to look for Scabior, who duck-ran to the door.

"'Ello mates!" he said. "Thanks for the party, Voldie." The entire gang disappeared simultaneously. Narcissa led her husband and son out the door by the ears.

"Now, when you get home, you two are going straight to time out. And you are going to school tomorrow. I don't care how hungover you are, Draco!" she scolded. "And say thank you to Voldemort for having you."

"Thank you, Voldemort," the two droned in unison like reluctant schoolchildren. One by one, the party dispersed until the only person left was Bellatrix.

"I was hoping we could share a special moment together," she said, looking at him with puppy-dog eyes.

"Ummm..." Voldemort said, pretending to think. "No." Bellatrix pouted and stormed out of the house.

Voldemort quickly changed into his pajamas, brushed his teeth, grabbed his unicorn cuddly toy and jumped into bed, not caring that his house was a total pigsty, or that he was going to have a mind-blowing hangover tomorrow. This had been the best birthday party ever!


End file.
